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I'm a mess of insecurities. [entries|friends|calendar]

Shake it off of your skin..
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[03 Jan 2007|03:47am]
Dear Jesus,

Help me find my morals.

Love, me.
HA HA HA Show me what you got.

[31 Dec 2006|06:01am]
SO, let's give it up for the new year.
& drinking Jim Beam alone at 4:30 AM. I'm not an alcoholic. It just helps me fall asleep & also I wake up earlier after drinking. Amen.

Tommorrow it will be 2007. It's not necessarily that I'm not sure how I feel about 2007, it's more that I'm not sure how I feel about 2006. It's been quite a year full of highs & lows & everything in between; certainly one of the craziest years of my life thus far. I've changed... dramatically & at this point, I could probably be classified as the most confused person ever (exaggeration). No, but really, more and more when things happen I find myself questioning how to react. & I usually have a reaction rate of under .5 seconds. I don't know. I'm happy with myself most of the time & that's all that matters, right?

College has been by far the biggest change of my life. I am absolutely in love with all of the places/people/experiences I've been to/met/had thus far & I have little regret. BUT I still look forward to coming home; to coming to a place which is familiar. However, I can't exactly say coming home has met these expectations. Maybe I have a selfish view but isn't home supposed to be the place where you go & despite all the change everything/everyone just seems familiar and they just take you back as if you've been there all along? Maybe I just have a warped idea of what "home" is, but it seems like despite Pittsburgh being a completely different city full of complete strangers the most change I've felt has been the days in which I am home; the days which I thought would feel so unaltered. I just want what I've always had along with all of the new things I've acquired and I'm starting to get the feeling that it doesn't quite work out that way. Life is crazy. I go back to Pittsburgh in a little more than two days. I'm glad to be going back, but there sure is a little feeling that tells me I haven't made the most of my time home; that I haven't seen/spend enough time with the people that are supposed to matter the most.

Normally, I would be ranting about how New Year's resolutions are stupid & if you want to change yourself do it... you don't need the beginning of a new year. BUT this year I'm going to make one despite all of that. & it's not going to be something stupid like "go to the gym" or "eat healthier." In 2007, I'm going to actually act the way that I feel. I know that sounds stupid, but anyone who knows me knows that I'm completely lacking in the whole emotion department. So, there it is.

Brighter side of everything. New Year's Eve is probably my favorite holiday. & I'm hoping it's spent in a good way which completely requires a bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz. Then back to school where the first 100 hours are already planned to be a complete blast. I miss those kids.

HA HA HA Show me what you got.

[28 Nov 2006|01:05am]
Or just Wednesday. I want to get drunnnnnnnnnk.
Show me what you got.

[13 Nov 2006|04:52am]
Ashley suggests that we document all the dumb shit we do when we're drunk in this here livejournal. I don't know if the world would be able to handle it. But anyway, this weekend was amazing & Ashley is jealous because she was too drunk. BUT she's single now. Does anyone read this shit? I don't think so, but if you do you probably have no fucking clue who Ashley is. She's pretty neat and one time she was drunk & slept in a random office building under some guy's desk & peed on his chair.

College is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Amen.
HA HA HA Show me what you got.

Wait for me to move out west. [03 Aug 2006|03:18am]
Why does my summer get unbearably boring for like 7 days straight and then all of the sudden it's not. Then there's like too much for me to handle. We need to spread this non-boringness out people. Anyway, Warped Tour tommorrow (which I could so do without) but then most likely, I'll be off to the shore to get crazy with one half of the Bifflezzzz. I'm hoping to find a ride home by Sunday because I am poor and will most likely run out of money in no time. Why am I writing this in LJ. No one read this. It's 3:23 AM. I'm going to be dead tommorrow and then won't be able to stay up late night at the shore. Pooop.

On a brighter note, things seemed to work themselves out in one aspect of my life and I couldn't be happier. Honestly.

I leave in 20 days. I don't think it has yet to sink in that I really am going to be 6 hours away from everything / everyone, and I'm not sure it will sink in until I'm actually there. I'm excited, but not. As much as I told myself this is what I wanted, I'm not quite sure it's all that I expected. Plus, I changed a lot over this summer.
HA HA HA Show me what you got.

[24 Jul 2006|01:20am]
I can feel all the decency swirling and fading and falling right down my throat.
Show me what you got.

[13 Jul 2006|07:30pm]
I hate that this is happening.
Show me what you got.

[10 Jul 2006|04:57pm]
I lied when I said I was actually going to start writing in this again.
Show me what you got.

[19 Jun 2006|12:15am]
My birthday is in two days.
I'm going down the shore.

The graduation party was wild. Yes.
HA HA HA Show me what you got.

[14 Jun 2006|01:57am]
People make my head spin. No, really, though. Could you tell me what motivates you to do these things; maybe then I'll understand. Wait, no, I won't. How does one put themselves out there to blatantly look like a complete fool. It's pathetic, and that is honestly the only way to describe it. You make me sick. Anyway, I think pathetic is by far the most degrading adjective out there. I would hate to be called pathetic, so let's hope it never happens.

Why does any of this even bother me in the first place? I don't care about you. At all. I think it's just the way I am. I have such a strong desire to never seem vulnerable to other people, and to watch someone intentionally put them self in that position is ludicrous to me.

I need to stop thinking about this. It's a waste of my time, energy, and mind.

New subject.
Graduation was good. I was just grateful to be allowed to attend. I never thought I would be graduating two demerits short of not even being there. What a crazy, unpredictable four years. I guess, I'm content with the way things went, and I'm ready for change. I think I may be the only person who doesn't think everything is changing fast enough. I want it to be August 23rd. I want to be gone. My expectations for Pittsburgh are really high; my only hope is that they are met and maybe even surpassed. I'm going to give it my best shot.

I suppose I'm done for now. I'm going to go read 1984, maybe it'll stop my head from spinning.
HA HA HA Show me what you got.

[13 Jun 2006|09:30pm]
The revival of an old friend called livejournal. Here's to hoping I have something to write and more importantly, someone to read it.
HA HA HA Show me what you got.

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